Cobra Commander Gets The Blues
by Red Witch
Summary: Cobra Commander is depressed. I wonder why?


**The disclaimer saying I don't own any GI Joe characters is bored and went somewhere. Just a fun idea out of my mind. **

**Cobra Commander Gets The Blues**

"Serpent's fangs I am **bored!**" Cobra Commander groaned as he sat at his conference table. "I am bored and all the people around me are lunatics whose sole purpose in life is to drive me out of my tiny mind!"

"Well that makes us feel special," Xamot grumbled. The Cobra High Command and the Dreadnoks were there.

"We are in the room ya know?" Buzzer said.

"Even though some of us aren't **all there**," Zandar gave the Dreadnok a look.

"Commander I know a budget meeting…" Xamot began.

"Isn't the most exciting thing in the world," His twin Tomax added.

"But you do need to be kept up with…" Xamot began,

"The financial situation of Cobra," Tomax finished.

"The financial situation of Cobra? You really think it takes an _hour long_ meeting for **you **to tell **me **the financial situation of Cobra? I can tell you the financial situation of Cobra in **one sentence!"** Cobra Commander snapped. "We're busted!"

"We are not…" Xamot began.

"Completely busted," Tomax added.

"Yeah and there's no recession going on!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Our money generating investments and schemes are barely holding up! Our properties are devalued! Manpower is at an all time low! We've got entire departments composed of Synthoids and androids!"

"You must admit that is an effective cost cutting device," Zartan said.

"Except for our cleaning budget," The Baroness told him. "Those Synthoids are more unstable than a teenage pop sensation with alcohol in her system."

Then a chime rang indicating someone wanted to enter the room. "This is an important meeting," Destro spoke on the intercom.

"So? Let 'em in," Cobra Commander said. "I need something to get my mind off of how mind numbingly dull this meeting is!"

A timid Cobra soldier walked in. "Uh sir, Hail Cobra Commander…Your greatness…"

"Skip the butt kissing and tell me what went wrong **now?"** Cobra Commander sighed.

"Uh Sir, you know our logging operations in the Amazon rainforest?" The soldier gulped.

"Let me guess…" Cobra Commander sighed dejectedly. "GI Joe showed up. Blew everything up and yada yada yada…We lost. Am I right?"

"Uh yeah…" The soldier was understandably nervous.

"Oh well," Cobra Commander sighed. "That's what I thought. You can go now."

The terrified subordinate fled for his life. "Commander? Are you all right?" Destro asked.

"Yeah what just happened here?" Buzzer asked.

"We lost again. So what?" Cobra Commander sighed.

"So what? So **what?**" Destro was stunned. "We lost to GI Joe and all you can say is so what?"

"It's not like this has **never** happened before!" Cobra Commander snapped. "What does it matter? I guess I've been a little depressed lately."

"A little depressed? Commander you didn't even shoot the guy in the foot!" Torch was surprised.

"Yeah and you did that only when the delivery guy screwed up your order two years ago!" Buzzer said.

"Obviously something is very wrong," Destro said. "All right Commander, spit it out. I haven't seen you mope like this since they changed the taste of Coke. And even then you went out there sending live mutated rats in the mail to those executives! Now what's wrong. You can tell us."

"I guess I'm just…" Cobra Commander sighed. "I'm not happy. I mean what's the point? We blow their stuff up, they blow our stuff up! And we all end up back at square one. It's just…It's just running Cobra isn't as much fun as it used to be."

"You know we have been in kind of a rut lately," Zartan admitted. "We haven't exactly had many world domination schemes during the past few years."

"And not just us," Monkeywrench said. "I got a cousin that's working for this other terrorist organization called Sphinx. Trying to rule the world and stuff."

"Oh yes I've heard of them," Destro nodded. "They mostly work in the Mideast."

"Well they had to headhunt my cousin in because half the guys they had went off either to start their own terrorist groups or join some other one," Monkeywrench said. "And then…Here's the kicker. They just shut down all the sudden. Somehow they got into debt and couldn't pay their bills."

"So the organization just folded because of money problems?" Mindbender was stunned.

"That and my cousin and his friends went on a killing and looking spree to get even," Monkeywrench shrugged.

Cobra Commander sighed. "You know there was a time when being a terrorist **meant** something. It wasn't just the commitment you made to cause mayhem and bring about world domination. It was the little things. The way you carefully chose your terrorist name. Taking hours picking just the right outfit to state your demands to the United Nations when you're going to use a weather dominator to submit the world to your will…"

"Really? It took you hours to choose **that?**" Zarana pointed at his outfit.

"It was the Eighties! You had to have a sense of style for these things!" Cobra Commander snapped. "We were part of an elite group of soldiers and warriors."

"That's true," Torch said. "Even in the police lineups we stood out from everyone else."

"Nowadays any idiot with an internet connection and strapping a bomb to his chest can call himself a terrorist," Cobra Commander sighed. "I mean where's the imagination? Where's the **style?** Where have all the great weapons and death rays gone?"

"In Warehouse C," Torch used his thumb to indicate. "We got a whole boat load of crap in there."

"Nobody even bothers calling in the United Nations anymore to deliver threats," Cobra Commander sighed. "Of course back then we still didn't figure out that on a whole they were only slightly less effective and organized as a girl scout troop but still there was that whole mystique…That whole sense of glamour! That thrill you got when you are staring at a whole bunch of fat cat diplomats and some of the most powerful men in the world and you know you could just crush them in the palm of your hand! You remember that Destro?"

"I must admit that was rather enjoyable," Destro said.

"You remember back in the day when we hijacked all that oil and held it for ransom?" Cobra Commander sighed. "I swear when those business men learned that gas would become almost two dollars a gallon some of them literally craped in their pants! Nowadays they don't even care that everybody has to pay nearly six bucks a gallon because they got smart and got into bed with the oil companies."

"That is pretty reprehensible of them," Destro nodded.

"And people call **us **terrorists," Torch nodded.

"The joy of mayhem is gone for me," Cobra Commander sighed. "I've been there, done that. Been there again and done it again and I am running on empty! You name any scheme you can think of, it's been done! I mean we even tried using giant vegetables for taking over the world!"

"You can't say we haven't had a few creative ideas," Zartan agreed.

"Maybe you just need a vacation?" Mindbender asked. "You know what I do whenever I start feeling a little blue and need some inspiration?"

"Yeah you stick yourself into a virtual reality chamber for a week because it's the only way you can get laid," Cobra Commander looked at him.

"That's not the only thing I do!" Mindbender snapped.

"He's right," Destro smirked. "You also take out some of your better behaved genetic experiments out to dinner and dancing every once in a while."

"Go ahead and laugh all you want!" Mindbender snapped. "At least my way I never have to worry about clingy dames yapping about where our relationship is going every other week!"

"What about that orange one with the tentacles?" Buzzer asked.

"That was different! First of all I really thought we had something going at first!" Mindbender snapped. "And secondly I dumped **her!** She did not dump me! Got it?"

"Yeah she couldn't find anything better than **you**…" Monkeywrench snorted.

"Don't…Say it!" Mindbender warned. "Besides, we're getting off topic here."

"I said it before all the talent is going to smaller groups because of marketing," Cobra Commander sighed. "Kids today don't even care about controlling the world. All they care about is either blowing up America or Israel! I keep trying to explain that you can do both if you join Cobra, a cause devoted to worldwide domination but no one wants to **listen**!"

"That's not true," Torch said. "Some people want to blow up other countries."

"It's just not the same anymore," Cobra Commander sighed. "It's all about money and religious domination and ethnic cleansing! Nobody thinks of the bigger picture anymore. Nobody wants to just cause chaos in the world for the fun of it! No one is original and uses dinosaurs or giant vegetables or animals to do their bidding! It's all bombs and guns and drugs! The same old things!"

"I do miss the Eighties," Destro sighed. "Remember the Cold War and how much fun we had trying to pit the United States of America and the Soviet Union against each other?"

"Oh those were some good times," Cobra Commander smiled underneath his helmet. "Stealing their diplomats and putting them under mind control. Making duplicates of them to go back to their countries and cause chaos while we forced the real diplomats into slave labor in the mines."

"Probably the only real exercise those fat cats ever got in years," Zarana said.

"The spaceship caper," Cobra Commander sighed wistfully. "The times we hijacked a nuclear bomb or two. The time we almost stole Alaska. Our blue jean black market and all the blue jeans were filled with itching powder that gave everyone rashes. And we made another killing selling ointment on the black market. Those were the good old days."

"Yeah and that imported caviar scam which turned out to be salmon eggs from a fish farm in Wisconsin?" Mindbender chuckled. "And then we doctored some records so that this Soviet Official got the blame and ended up making snow cones in Siberia for five years?"

"Good times, good times…" Cobra Commander sighed. "I don't know. What's the point anymore? Have I really lost my touch?"

"That would imply you **had** a touch," Destro muttered under his breath.

"What did you say?" Cobra Commander asked.

"I said I think you're obsessing over this too much," Destro covered.

"No you didn't," Torch said. "You said…"

"Torch, there's a naked woman outside the hall!" Destro pointed. "Go look!"

"Really? Where?" Torch ran off along with Buzzer, Ripper, Road Pig and Monkeywrench.

"Doesn't take much to get them going does it?" The Baroness said.

"Hey! There's no naked chick out here?" Buzzer was heard shouting.

"Maybe she ran down the hallway?" Ripper suggested.

"Let's go find her!" Torch shouted and the Dreadnoks ran off.

"Now that the **children** have left the room and gone out to play, perhaps we can come up with a solution?" Zartan rolled his eyes.

"Yes there must be some way we can alleviate Cobra Commander's ennui," The Baroness nodded. "Perhaps a vacation is in order?"

"That's not a bad idea," Destro said. "We've all been cooped up together. Perhaps some time apart will be just what the Commander needs to recharge his batteries?"

"You mean just go off and leave Cobra in the hands of you?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Oh no! Nice try! I'm not falling for **that **again! Last time I did that you tried to replace me with another Serpentor! Lucky for me Torch mistook the DNA storage unit for a refrigerator and removed all those samples to put in grape Jell-O!"

"Commander I think it's safe to say that we have all learned our lesson about cloning a new leader and are loathe to even **consider** trying it again!" Destro rolled his eyes.

"Especially since the grape Jell-O was accidentally combined with the DNA of Napoleon," Mindbender grumbled. "One week of a gelatinous monster screaming at me in French was enough thank you!"

"Don't forget the mess it made in the throne room," Zartan rolled his eyes.

"I don't know," Cobra Commander sighed. "On the one had getting away from everything might just be what I need. On the other hand I don't trust any of you maniacs not to take over Cobra!"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Oh god what did those idiot Dreadnoks blow up **now?**" Destro moaned.

"WHOO HOO! SODA FOR EVERYONE!" Torch yelled.

"Great! They blew up another vending machine!" Zartan groaned.

"Which means the carpet and the ceiling in the hallways have to be cleaned again before someone…" Zarana began.

"WHOOPS! AAAAAAAAHHH!"

BOOOOOM!

"Slips and falls discharging their weapon…" Zarana finished.

"That's going to come out of our paychecks," Zandar groaned.

An alarm sounded. "Doctor Mindbender! Sir! It's Lab 14! We have an emergency!" An assistant called in on the telecommunications channel. "The one with the orange tentacles is back! She's tearing up the lab and yelling something about you hitting on her sister!"

"Uh I'd better take this," Dr. Mindbender gulped. He ran out the door.

"We need help down here! We need…" The assistant was grabbed by an orange tentacle and dragged away off camera. "AAAAAAHHH!"

"Just a shot in the dark," Cobra Commander sighed. "Mindbender isn't going down there to resolve this situation is he?"

"No, he is not," Destro pointed out a window. It overlooked the port of the hidden base and they saw Dr. Mindbender jump in a boat and sail off.

"So we're gonna have to go down there and deal with his mess again huh?" Zandar asked.

"It looks like it," Destro said.

BOOM!

"Wow! That can went right through the ceiling!" Ripper yelled.

"After we deal with the Dreadnoks," Destro added. "There goes the budget on redecorating."

"Just out of curiosity…One of us taking over Cobra from you is bad **why?**" The Baroness asked Cobra Commander.

"I don't think you have to worry about job security," Destro groaned. "I can think of no one stupid enough to want to run this insane asylum! Besides you of course."

"That makes me feel _so much_ better," Cobra Commander said sarcastically.

"WATCH OUT FOR THAT ACID!" Someone screamed. "AAAAAAH!"

"Ouch! That's never a good thing to hear," Zartan winced.

BOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Or that," Zartan winced again.

FLOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Floom?" Zartan blinked. "What the hell goes 'floom'?"

"That can't be good," Xamot blinked.

"Whatever it is," Tomax blinked.

"You know maybe I have been greedy with my power?" Cobra Commander thought. "I mean Noble Destro if you really want to take the reins of Cobra for a while…"

"No!" Destro said.

BOOM!

"Baroness?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Absolutely not!" The Baroness snapped. "I'm not taking responsibility for these idiots!"

"Wow look at that wall burn!" Buzzer was heard shouting.

"I never knew that fire could burn so many different colors," Torch remarked. "Now we know."

"And knowing is a great reason to update your resume regularly," Zartan grumbled.

"No wonder I'm so depressed," Cobra Commander sighed and banged his head against the table.


End file.
